rarepair_shorts | "In Times of Crisis (PANIC!)," for THE COMMUNITY!

Author: ???
Recipient: THE COMMUNITY!
Title: In Times of Crisis (PANIC!)
Pairing: Percy Weasley/Audrey Weasley
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1795
Summary: Percy Weasley is about to become a father and he finds the prospect of fatherhood more terrifying than Voldemort himself. But he's very calm about it... not.
Author's Notes: Thank you to L for the beta work. This pairing immediately spoke to me when I saw the prompts of "first child" and "humour".

"Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod! Breathe. Breathe. You need to breathe, honey. I'll get the car!" All Percy could think as he tried to fish the keys from his pocket was that his whole life was about to change. He was going to become a father. And what if the child was like him? What if it was a full of itself, pompous prat that thought it knew everything? What if-- "Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod! Breathe. Breathe." Percy flung open the driver side door, hopped into the seat, turned the key and slammed his foot down on the gas pedal.

When they were halfway down the street, he turned to Audrey. "Tell me when the next contraction is, dear, so that I can time them, I'm told you should do that, and—" His voice trailed off. He was talking to an empty seat. He turned and looked out the rear windows of the car and, sure enough, there stood his very pregnant wife at the end of their drive with her hands on her ample hips. And boy, did she look angry!

"Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod!" He wasn't sure he was cut out for this fatherhood thing. What if next time it was the baby he left behind? What if next time happened while they were at the hospital? What if the healers kept it? This was worth thinking about. The people at the hospital probably wouldn't drop it when they bathed it, or choke it on a bottle, or totally mess it up so that it became a wandless wizard without a cauldron to brew in. Maybe they should keep it. Percy would bring this up later, when Audrey wasn't looking ready to murder him.

He kicked the car into reverse and sped back toward his drive, screeching to a stop in front of his house, where his very peeved off wife was glaring at him. She flung open the passenger side door and poked her head inside. "Really?"

"Oops! Guess I got my broom ahead of my bludger, eh?"

"I'll bludger you, if you don't get your head out of the clouds. I don't exactly fancy having this baby in the middle of the street, you know?"

"Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod! That could happen? I hadn't thought of that." And, selfish as it seemed at first glance, it wasn't so much the thought of Audrey having the baby in the street as it was the thought of who would have to assist in that delivery, that made Percy stomp down on the gas pedal before his wife had even closed the passenger side door.

"Percy!" she screamed. "Are you trying to kill us both?"

"What? No. I'm not a healer; I'm a high level Ministry employee, and I do not deliver babies. Thus, we are in a hurry."

"Calm down. I'm not going to have this baby for hours yet. Take your time."

"But you said—"

"Oh, that was an exaggeration. You know, just something we women say, I guess."

Percy felt his mouth fall open. "But why? Why would you say such a thing?"

Rolling her eyes, Audrey patted Percy's hand. "Okay then. Someone's a might bit touchy today. Take a few deep breaths. It'll be fine."

"I've been telling myself to breathe since you did that disgusting gushing water thing." He snarled his nose at the thought. "Trust me, it doesn't work. I'm all light-headed from lack of oxygen, and I'm starting to see spots." He reached for his nose to find his glasses were missing. No wonder things were so blurry. "And what if it won't be fine? What if I screw it all up? I do that, you know. I'm not good at a lot of things but at that, I quite excel."

He might have been expecting comforting words from the wife that he adored. He might have even been expecting her to say, "Oh Percy, don't be silly, you'll be an excellent father." He wasn't much expecting her to burst into fits of laughter so hard that tears rolled from her eyes.

"I clearly don't find my failings nearly as amusing as you." He gripped the steering wheel tighter and pulled to a stop at a blurry red stop light.

The laughter continued in the seat beside him.

"Really, Audrey, I'm growing less amused by the minute." His patience was on a short tether. They arrived at St Mungo's and Percy threw the car into park and rushed around to open his wife's door.

She was doing her best to cough back her giggling fit, but her mirth was evident. Percy chose to be the bigger person and help her from the car, and in through the door to the receiving area.

"You're the calmest individual I know, at any other time. I've never seen you so frightened."

Percy grimaced. "On what planet should frightened equal amusing?"

Percy had calmed down a bit, now that they were at the hospital and he was about to give his wife a firm talking to, when she screamed at a particularly strong contraction, clutched her round belly and nearly fell down. He caught her and the panic set in again. He would have resorted to running about screaming for help, but he was afraid to let go of Audrey. She might fall down, and the baby might shoot out, and that would certainly be a poor way to start fatherhood. Just when he was about to scream his fool head off for assistance, two Medi-witches came out, each taking Audrey by one arm and leading her down the corridor.

Percy sank down in a chair in the waiting room and put his head in his hands. He was about to become a father. A father. He'd had nine months to get used to the idea, but now that it was staring him in the face, it felt so real… and terrifying. How the hell had his father done this seven times? It was, however, a very probable explanation for why his father had so little hair. He'd clearly pulled it out in hands full during birthing experiences.

At least it was over. Percy sighed in relief. He'd turned his wife over to capable people, and there would be no delivery of babies in the street. For which, he was eternally grateful. He was just leaning back to try and relax and enjoy his final hours as a non-father, when a Medi-witch came back from the way Audrey had gone minutes before.

"Mr Weasley?" she asked.

Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod!Ohgod! His wife was dead. The baby had hooves. The healer wasn't on call and they wanted him to deliver the baby. It was bad. Very, very bad. Oh, however had he got himself into this mess? He was never having sex again. Sure, sex was nice, but it just wasn't worth any of this.

"Mr Weasley, if you'll come with me. It's time to have a baby."

Percy walked up to the Medi-witch and said the first thing that entered his shock-frozen mind. "I'm not pregnant."

The Medi-witch sniggered and shook her head. "Yes, dear, I realise that, but your wife would like you in the room when you welcome your little miracle into the world."

Percy, who had been following the lady down the corridor, froze in his tracks. "Oh, yeah. That's not happening." He turned and dashed back to the waiting room, parking his bum in a chair and gripping the arms. No one was moving him from this chair, not without a crane.

"Honestly, why do I always get the first-timers?" The Medi-witch, who was clearly an experienced professional in the anxious father department, walked over to him with her hands on her hips. "You listen to me, young man. Your wife is in there having your baby, and you're going to march your scrawny rump into that room and be the supportive husband I know is hiding under that yellow-bellied façade you're wearing."

"But I—" Percy began weakly.

"March!" she shouted, pointing her finger in the direction of the corridor.

Percy, who'd grown up with a mother who knew exactly how to use that same tone, squeaked out a "Yes, Madam," and practically ran down the corridor.

"This room," the lady shouted from behind him.

He'd gone too far, and he backed up and entered the door she opened for him. His wife's legs were splayed wide, the Healer was present and Percy was seeing parts of his wife that he had once very much appreciated in a state that was more than a tiny bit disturbing. Percy felt his head get light and the room began to move and go even more out of focus than it already was without his glasses.

"He's green," Audrey said from her place on the bed.

"See, I knew there was something wrong with the baby. They're not supposed to be green, I think." Percy said those words right before the world spun faster and then went black.

***

Percy awoke in a room he didn't recognise. His head was pounding and there was a painful knot on the back of his skull.

His wife was in a bed on the other side of the room, and she was holding a small bundle swaddled in a pink blanket.

"Is that--?" Percy asked, nodding toward the thing Audrey was holding.

"Our daughter. You should come and meet her, you know, since you missed her grand entrance."

"Sorry about that. Was it horrible?"

"Not so much." She looked at the child with adoration evident on her face. "After people stopped passing out."

Percy swallowed down an embarrassed gulp, then stood and took a moment to get his bearings as the room swam before him. He made his way carefully toward his wife's bed to view their lovely child. "She doesn't have hooves or anything, right?"

Audrey looked at him, horrified.

"Yeah, forget I said that." His child had mottled skin and very weird hair and she was quite ugly, but Percy felt a warmth toward her that he'd never felt before. "She's lovely, isn't she?"

"She is. But the next time I'm having your baby, my sister's coming with me. You'll be staying home. People stopped asking how I was the minute she was born, and every Healer that came in just wanted to know if my husband's concussion was any better. Thank you for stealing all of my glory."

Feeling an immense weight lift from his shoulders (and without an ounce of guilt for the glory-stealing), Percy exhaled loudly. "Oh, thank Merlin. I never want to do this again."

"Yes, because your job was so hard." Audrey said the words with an extreme dose of sarcasm, not that Percy noticed.

"I know," he said. "It was traumatising. I'm sure glad that's over."