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rarepair_shorts2014-01-12 10:58 am
rarepairs_mod) wrote in rarepair_shorts2014-01-12 10:58 am
Entry tags:
A Gift for kate34books: The Giant Penis in Room 69 (Harry/Susan, R)
Author: ???
Recipient:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kate34books
Title: The Giant Penis in Room 69
Pairing: Harry Potter/Susan Bones
Rating: R
Word Count: 1076
Summary: There was no other job like working at St. Mungo's. And not in a good way. One would think that this many years after the war, they wouldn't be quite so busy. One would be correct... but for the Weasley Twins' new line of products.
Author's Notes: I chose the prompt of "Mediwitch!Susan" and Not-Dead-Fred and my brain was in a place for the funnies, so I hope you enjoy. It was a hoot to write. Thank you my beautiful, wonderful, always saving-my-butt beta, M.
"Another giant penis in Room 69, Sue." Padma Patil, current Head of the Sixth Floor Ward at St. Mungo's, passed Susan the chart with a grin.
"Knock it off with the smirk. This stopped being funny two days ago. This is the sixteenth giant penis I've had this week." Susan felt her face heat instantly and she refused to make eye contact. "That came out wrong."
"That's what he said."
"Fuck you, Padma." Susan reached to tug at one of her dark locks, a nervous habit from childhood, she'd never quite overcome. Damn, she realised, she had put her hair in a long plait that morning to keep it out of her eyes.
"You're not allowed to talk to your boss that way. A little respect, yeah?"
"Not when the words 'giant penis' come out of your mouth--"
"Better out of my mouth than in." Padma was full on laughing. When the word was 'penis' or 'willy', or Merlin forbid, 'cock', the whole fucking staff turned into giggling twelve year olds.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate you." Susan stomped off to Room 69 in a huff, not bothering to look at the chart. They were all the same anyway. The Weasley Twins had developed a "perfectly safe" Engorgement Charm in pill form specifically designed to enhance your member-- your favourite member. (One pill, one swallow, a couple of specially added inches to the little soldier in your pants.) And it probably was perfectly safe, given the Twins's skills -- if taken correctly. Correctly being the operative word. Take too many, and well... men and their willies.
Giant penises no longer surprised Susan Bones. She opened the door to Room 69, however, and let out a shrill "eep" of shock. The owner of the giant penis was none other than Harry Potter, himself.
"You?" Susan gasped, shutting the door so quickly behind her that she caught her robes in the door and nearly fell over when she tried to take a step toward her very famous patient.
Harry's face was as red as his jumper. "Yeah, me."
"What are you doing here?"
Harry was sitting on the exam table, trousers and pants neatly folded beside him, with a big white sheet across his lap, pitching a very impressive tent.
"Well..."
Susan stammered, "I mean I know-- well, I mean-- yeah, you're here because you have"--she pointed a wiggling finger at his lap--"but I thought you had better sense."
"You don't know me very well then." Harry shook his head.
In an attempt to pull herself together, Susan tried to stick to the facts and remain professional-- which was hard with someone sitting in front of her, flagpole waving-- someone that frankly, she had always been a little smitten with-- which Padma Patil bloody well knew-- the bitch. Boss or no, Padma was going to pay for this. Susan quickly opened the patient chart and took a quill from her robe pocket. "Um, how--how many did you do then?"
"Birds or pills?"
"WHAT?" Susan dropped her quill and her mouth fell open. "Oh. My. God. We are not talking about all the birds-- I mean, women-- women, you disrespectful dolt, whom you have done-- I mean that you've had sex with." So much for professionalism. She was completely flustered and seemed to make it a little worse with every thing she said.
"I was having you on. Sorry. I didn't mean to-- I am just trying to make jokes so this is slightly less embarrassing. Five pills." He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Didn't work, by the way."
"The pills?" Susan pointed at his crotch. "Looks like they worked just fine from over here."
Harry snorted. "No, the joking. Not a bit less embarrassing." He raised the sheet and gave his lap an appreciative look. "The pills worked brilliantly. Too brilliantly."
"So who were you trying so hard to impress?" She hated to admit, even to herself, how much she wanted to know that answer.
"Is that important?"
Susan pretended to be taking very good notes. "I want my charts to be complete. I pride myself on my work, Potter," she said snottily. And I'm a fucking nosy cow who is dying to know who has caught your eye! Spill, you dolt.
"Um, okay... I guess. It was Lavender Brown."
"That ridiculous bint with the too-big boobs and extra wide arse?!? What the fuck do men see in her?" Susan covered her mouth with her hand. "Did I say that out loud?"
"Yeah." Harry smirked. "Glad to know I'm not the only humiliated person in the room."
Susan suddenly wished the floor would open up and swallow her. Floors never seemed to do that when it was most coveted. In the Wizarding World it was certainly possible, but never timely. Since the floor was uncooperative, Susan chose to focus on Harry's embarrassment. "Let's see it then."
"See what?"
"Your cock--penis-- I mean, penis, of course." Once upon a time she had been a professional healer-- then Harry Potter had come along...
Harry began to fidget uncomfortably. "Do you have to, um, see it?"
She didn't. She was going to give him the same antidote regardless. "Yes, I have to see it. Remove the sheet." She had a half-naked Harry Potter in her exam room. Why not have a naughty little look?
Harry lowered the sheet slowly.
"MERLIN'S BALLS, POTTER! Did you carry that thing in here on a trolley?"
"If his balls were this big, Merlin was a great wizard, indeed."
Susan giggled and took two yellow pills from her robe pocket. "Here, take these. I'll be back in an hour to check on your-- well, your, you know what."
She turned to leave and had her hand on the doorknob when Harry spoke. "Hey, Susan, do you have plans next Saturday?"
Was he asking her out?
He stammered a bit. "I mean, now that I've shown you mine, and you didn't show me yours, there's probably a rule somewhere that says you have to buy me dinner... or something."
He was asking her out. And rather adorably at that.
"I guess that depends on what I see when I come back in here in an hour. A girl should know the size of what she's buying before she commits to the sale." She gave him a wink, and heard him snigger as she walked out of the exam room.
Recipient:
kate34booksTitle: The Giant Penis in Room 69
Pairing: Harry Potter/Susan Bones
Rating: R
Word Count: 1076
Summary: There was no other job like working at St. Mungo's. And not in a good way. One would think that this many years after the war, they wouldn't be quite so busy. One would be correct... but for the Weasley Twins' new line of products.
Author's Notes: I chose the prompt of "Mediwitch!Susan" and Not-Dead-Fred and my brain was in a place for the funnies, so I hope you enjoy. It was a hoot to write. Thank you my beautiful, wonderful, always saving-my-butt beta, M.
"Another giant penis in Room 69, Sue." Padma Patil, current Head of the Sixth Floor Ward at St. Mungo's, passed Susan the chart with a grin.
"Knock it off with the smirk. This stopped being funny two days ago. This is the sixteenth giant penis I've had this week." Susan felt her face heat instantly and she refused to make eye contact. "That came out wrong."
"That's what he said."
"Fuck you, Padma." Susan reached to tug at one of her dark locks, a nervous habit from childhood, she'd never quite overcome. Damn, she realised, she had put her hair in a long plait that morning to keep it out of her eyes.
"You're not allowed to talk to your boss that way. A little respect, yeah?"
"Not when the words 'giant penis' come out of your mouth--"
"Better out of my mouth than in." Padma was full on laughing. When the word was 'penis' or 'willy', or Merlin forbid, 'cock', the whole fucking staff turned into giggling twelve year olds.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate you." Susan stomped off to Room 69 in a huff, not bothering to look at the chart. They were all the same anyway. The Weasley Twins had developed a "perfectly safe" Engorgement Charm in pill form specifically designed to enhance your member-- your favourite member. (One pill, one swallow, a couple of specially added inches to the little soldier in your pants.) And it probably was perfectly safe, given the Twins's skills -- if taken correctly. Correctly being the operative word. Take too many, and well... men and their willies.
Giant penises no longer surprised Susan Bones. She opened the door to Room 69, however, and let out a shrill "eep" of shock. The owner of the giant penis was none other than Harry Potter, himself.
"You?" Susan gasped, shutting the door so quickly behind her that she caught her robes in the door and nearly fell over when she tried to take a step toward her very famous patient.
Harry's face was as red as his jumper. "Yeah, me."
"What are you doing here?"
Harry was sitting on the exam table, trousers and pants neatly folded beside him, with a big white sheet across his lap, pitching a very impressive tent.
"Well..."
Susan stammered, "I mean I know-- well, I mean-- yeah, you're here because you have"--she pointed a wiggling finger at his lap--"but I thought you had better sense."
"You don't know me very well then." Harry shook his head.
In an attempt to pull herself together, Susan tried to stick to the facts and remain professional-- which was hard with someone sitting in front of her, flagpole waving-- someone that frankly, she had always been a little smitten with-- which Padma Patil bloody well knew-- the bitch. Boss or no, Padma was going to pay for this. Susan quickly opened the patient chart and took a quill from her robe pocket. "Um, how--how many did you do then?"
"Birds or pills?"
"WHAT?" Susan dropped her quill and her mouth fell open. "Oh. My. God. We are not talking about all the birds-- I mean, women-- women, you disrespectful dolt, whom you have done-- I mean that you've had sex with." So much for professionalism. She was completely flustered and seemed to make it a little worse with every thing she said.
"I was having you on. Sorry. I didn't mean to-- I am just trying to make jokes so this is slightly less embarrassing. Five pills." He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Didn't work, by the way."
"The pills?" Susan pointed at his crotch. "Looks like they worked just fine from over here."
Harry snorted. "No, the joking. Not a bit less embarrassing." He raised the sheet and gave his lap an appreciative look. "The pills worked brilliantly. Too brilliantly."
"So who were you trying so hard to impress?" She hated to admit, even to herself, how much she wanted to know that answer.
"Is that important?"
Susan pretended to be taking very good notes. "I want my charts to be complete. I pride myself on my work, Potter," she said snottily. And I'm a fucking nosy cow who is dying to know who has caught your eye! Spill, you dolt.
"Um, okay... I guess. It was Lavender Brown."
"That ridiculous bint with the too-big boobs and extra wide arse?!? What the fuck do men see in her?" Susan covered her mouth with her hand. "Did I say that out loud?"
"Yeah." Harry smirked. "Glad to know I'm not the only humiliated person in the room."
Susan suddenly wished the floor would open up and swallow her. Floors never seemed to do that when it was most coveted. In the Wizarding World it was certainly possible, but never timely. Since the floor was uncooperative, Susan chose to focus on Harry's embarrassment. "Let's see it then."
"See what?"
"Your cock--penis-- I mean, penis, of course." Once upon a time she had been a professional healer-- then Harry Potter had come along...
Harry began to fidget uncomfortably. "Do you have to, um, see it?"
She didn't. She was going to give him the same antidote regardless. "Yes, I have to see it. Remove the sheet." She had a half-naked Harry Potter in her exam room. Why not have a naughty little look?
Harry lowered the sheet slowly.
"MERLIN'S BALLS, POTTER! Did you carry that thing in here on a trolley?"
"If his balls were this big, Merlin was a great wizard, indeed."
Susan giggled and took two yellow pills from her robe pocket. "Here, take these. I'll be back in an hour to check on your-- well, your, you know what."
She turned to leave and had her hand on the doorknob when Harry spoke. "Hey, Susan, do you have plans next Saturday?"
Was he asking her out?
He stammered a bit. "I mean, now that I've shown you mine, and you didn't show me yours, there's probably a rule somewhere that says you have to buy me dinner... or something."
He was asking her out. And rather adorably at that.
"I guess that depends on what I see when I come back in here in an hour. A girl should know the size of what she's buying before she commits to the sale." She gave him a wink, and heard him snigger as she walked out of the exam room.
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haha, this was cute--leave it to the twins to come up with a magical blue pill that can wreak havoc!
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it was nicely characterized, specially susan. I love the duality of cheekiness and awkardness banter between her and Harry, which is one of the reasons I love them as a pairing.
I loved it and I can't wait to see who you are, mysterious writer.
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I laughed a lot at Susan's reactions. When she says that against Lavender, you'd think she was the one under a Tongue-Unleashing Charm or something, just being unable to repress her own words and stay professional. Good for her that Harry is even more embarrassed than she is. And I laughed out loud at the idea that in the magical world, floors can swallow people... but never at the right time. Also liked how he asks her out. Thanks!
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This fic made my day! :D
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